the wonderful world of veena.

30 January 2014

some of the things on my mind this week.

This week, two bloggers that I follow have posted about topics they usually don't discuss -- Jodi wrote about finally divulging an illness she's been dealing with for a long time, a deviation from her usual discussion of street food in Southeast Asia, and Flora wrote about living vicariously through her travel alter ego. Both were extremely well-written and thought-provoking pieces, as is the norm with both women, and both got me thinking about how we choose our blog topics and tailor our blogs to the outside world.

You see, I use this blog as a journal of sorts, as many other bloggers do - a place to write down my thoughts on various topics, be it restaurants or books or movies or travel or just a random mashup of what's going on in my life - but there are certainly topics I don't touch on often or in depth.

My personal life is one. I've mentioned relationships on here in passing, but I didn't discuss the end of my last relationship, nearly two years ago, in this space. I wrote about it plenty, as it's the way I kind of purge my feelings, but I didn't post any of it, letting it languish in my drafts folder for a while until I finally deleted it [I shared it with a friend first, just to get my feelings out there, but it went no further]. I've written about my parents and brother, mostly when their birthdays roll around, but I don't go into very many details about them, as I prefer to keep our relationships private. I mention friends when they get married or have babies, or when I get to see them after a long time, but it's usually more of a rundown of our activities rather than a lot of in-depth analysis of our friendships. I don't need to analyze why I'm friends with someone, and I'm sure no one out there wants to read it.

Instead I tend to keep this space a little more lighthearted. Places I love in Memphis. Pictures of various happenings. Fun things that have recently happened or are on the horizon. Slogging through training for a half marathon. Learning to love cooking.

But in doing so I am automatically filtering my life for you. I am automatically editing my thoughts, my actions, and tailoring it to what I think others might want to read. I've gotten over the pressure to blog that I've written about before and now don't usually pay attention to how often or how infrequently I'm posting, but I am more careful, more thoughtful about what I'm posting.

You're still not getting the full picture, and in truth, you never will. There are just some things that I'm not going to share in such a public forum, be it personal trials or rants or what-have-you. There are certain things I'd rather keep to myself, things I'm still not comfortable sharing with such a wide audience.

But I've been realizing more and more in the last few weeks that I still need an outlet for all those other things, all those subjects I am hesitant to write about on here. Just because it's not being posted doesn't mean I'm not thinking or worrying about it; often I will write half a post, forget about it for some time, and then delete it without posting it, because either I've gotten over whatever I was writing about, or it's no longer timely, or I simply decided it wasn't really something that needed to be published. It doesn't happen every day or even every month, but it happens.

So yesterday I decided that what I really need to do is get back to writing. As in pen-on-paper writing. Stream of consciousness, what's on my mind, what I'm feeling about life and work and geography and personal situations and all those things that I still need to get out of my system but I'm not quite comfortable sharing on here. Both Jodi and Flora shared experiences they're not usually comfortable sharing, and I'm grateful for their honesty and their candor. I can only hope that maybe one day I'll step out of my comfort zone as well.

Until that day, though, I'm going to stick with writing. Good old journaling. What I used to do back in elementary and middle school, and what I honestly never thought I'd do again after I began college. At that point I was trying to keep up with chronicling everything that was happening and not spending enough time just writing for myself, so I got out of the habit. This is my attempt to pick it up again and to stick to the things that are on my mind. This space over here can be for goings-on in the outside world, and that space over there can be for the goings-on inside my head. That seems like a good balance to me.

I'm not sure how I went from Jodi and Flora's posts to filtering my blog to getting back into keeping a journal, but there you have it. Just a small peak into my stream of consciousness for you. It's been kind of a contemplative week for me, and little things I've come across have sparked a lot of internal thoughts and inklings.

This in itself is a lot more contemplative than I tend to be on here. It could be a sign of changing times, or it could just be that this was something I needed to share more publicly. Whatever it is, I'm looking forward to exploring these thoughts and feelings more, first in my personal journal and then maybe on here as they become more fleshed out, and seeing what becomes of them.

But for now, I'm just going to enjoy that wonderful freedom that comes from putting pen to paper. It's so simple, and yet it's so full of possibility.

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