the wonderful world of veena.

31 May 2012

a bundle of nerves, anxiety, and excitement, all rolled into one.

In approximately 48 hours, my brother and I will be off on our journey to India. This will mark the first time we will be traveling there together - and traveling anywhere together for such a length of time - and it will also be the first time I have so much uncertainty surrounding how and where my time will be spent whilst I am there.

As a result, my emotions are all in turmoil. I am so excited about getting back to Bangalore, seeing all of my adopted families, and wandering the city center aimlessly. Eating at my roadside dhabas. Sipping on some Old Monk in Guzzlers or Pecos while the rain falls outside. Greeting my tailors, my bartenders, my bouncers, my shopkeepers, my Superintendent at the Boys' Home. Strolling through Lalbagh or Cubbon Park. Drinking chai for rs.3. Stuffing my face at all my favourite eateries. Finally having the opportunity to ride the Metro!

There are so many wonderful things to look forward to, and I cannot wait to touch down in my cloudy, drunken city. But until then, there are so many things that need to get done, and so many uncertainties, that I cannot help but be a jumble of knots at the same time.

I know my project with Room to Read is going to be amazing, and I know that once I actually get to Nepal, my nerves will cease to be a problem. But until that actually happens, I cannot help but create all the scenarios in my head wondering what might happen and thinking of all the things that could go wrong. For starters, I still don't have my IRB approval, and leaving the country while that is still up in the air is a bit nerve-racking. I am sending in my latest application for review today, and hopefully they will not need further changes, but it still makes me a bit nervous.

Beyond Nepal, I do not yet have a Capstone finalized. I have a very good potential lead, but between unpacking from Little Rock, running various errands, and trying to get myself ready to re-pack for India, I have not had a ton of time to sit down and work on my proposal for approval. In the meantime, I still have further emails to send to other organizations, just in case this project does not work out. Because of that, I have yet to confirm my whereabouts post-October 12. This makes me a bit anxious. Not nervous so much, because I know something will work out, just as soon as I have the time to devote to making it happen. I just need to get to that place.

I also know that returning to Bangalore is going to be a lot of overstimulation on my emotions next week. It's going to be happy, joyous, exhilarating, and also a little heart-breaking and somber, and there's no telling until I get there how I will react to all of it.

The next 10 months are going to bring so many adventures and journeys, and I am hoping they will also help me answer some questions. How long do I want to be in India? Where do I want to eventually settle? What exactly do I want to do? Where do I want to do it? Is it time to make those big decisions in my life, or do I still have time to just take some time for myself and travel? See a bit more of the world? Or is it time to finally grow up? Any clarity on any of those questions would be most helpful, moving forward.

In order for me to actually get there, however, I probably should finish my errands and get started on packing my stuff. Next stop: Namma Bengaluru!

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